Hi friends,
I hope all is well on this lovely Friday!
Something that has been coming up for me a lot lately is the disorganized attachment style. I’ve known many people with a disorganized attachment style, and I believe it’s what got me into the study of childhood trauma. I am working on a trauma studies certificate through Bessel van der Kolk, author of the Body Keeps the Score. I’ll share more as I get closer to being certified.
I believe that more people have a disorganized attachment style than is realized by them or by others. The information on the internet typically describes disorganized as a combination of avoidant and anxious styles, typically coming from childhood abuse. A disorganized attachment style is also called fearful-avoidant or anxious-avoidant. In my experience, it doesn’t always come from abuse, and especially for INFx types, it seems to come from emotional abandonment from 1 or more likely, both, parents.
Disorganized attachment in INFx types plays out with a conscious pattern that tells the person that everyone they meet is not the right person, and they will consciously come up with a reason to cut the relationship off. From the outside looking at the person, people typically think they are players or can’t commit. Subconsciously, the person’s shadow pattern is telling the person that they aren’t good enough or that they are unlovable. The person will eventually leave them one way or the other, so they better reject before they get rejected. However, the person is not typically consciously aware that this is what is happening. It comes from a deep level of shame; if the parents were also critical of the child, their inner child feels unloved, abandoned, unworthy, selfish, etc.
This does NOT mean anything is wrong with you if you are experiencing this or if you attract people with this attachment wound. The first step is to build awareness around the attachment wound and start looking at it objectively.
Do you have any questions? Email me! Infinitetealskies@gmail.com
Joy,
Teal